my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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