dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize