Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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