I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
