now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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