Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize