Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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