just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize