I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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