i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
