cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize