No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
