I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This is classic penis vs brain.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
