The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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