I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
