I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
we're so committed to being not committed
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
