one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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