Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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