Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
