This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
