Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
