i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
