Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
