I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
