i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
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