Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
