i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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