Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
