he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
