The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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