We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
