remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
