What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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