I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
