20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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