just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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