why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
