So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
