When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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