: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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