This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
