so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize