it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize