Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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