The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
