wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
ok first of all what the fuck
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
