just tell him i said nine months
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
