I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
