your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
