I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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