5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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