if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you inspire me to be a worse person
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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