I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
