So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
