Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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