the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just gift wrapped bread.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
