If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
