My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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