this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize